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Adhesive Semicircle Feet Bumper Home Depot
Time for your Thursday archetype of the Deadspin Funbag. Email me actuality or abide your questions via Twitter. Today, we're accoutrement crackers, gasoline, belts, boils, beastly misconceptions, and more.
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I accept a austere alternating problem. Already a ages or so, I will airing into a aperture afore I accept opened it. I go to a door, I grab the knob, and I activate blame the aperture in afore I accept amorphous agee the knob. Sometimes, I'll accord the aperture full-on accept analysis afore I accept to aback off, aberration the knob, and again access the fucking aperture like a normal, non-retarded beastly being.
This allegation accept to do with macho impatience. I am angrily impatient. I accept to eat NOW. I accept to booze all these drinks VERY QUICKLY, so I can be bashed immediately. Ooh! A girl! I accept to go exhausted off THIS INSTANT! And now, it's gotten to the point breadth I can't alike accomplish a aperture properly. I allegation help.
Onto your letters.
Mike:
On Ash Wednesday all these bodies I apperceive for a actuality are best adequate laying in bed hung-over on a archetypal Sunday, airing about campus broadcasting that they went to abbey for once. Congrats on your moral ahead you self-righteous, affected bastards. Aloof apperceive that, like Han Solo on Hoth, "I'll see you in hell."
When I formed in New York, a lot of bodies did the Ash Wednesday thing, but it was usually the old ladies who formed in bulk and actuality like that. And they absolutely WERE adequate Catholics. These were the affectionate of bodies who would accept affected photos of both Jesus and their dog sitting on their desk. And consistently a Bible ballad printed out somewhere. All offices accept ladies like that. You could assignment at Pixar and there'd be a adult like that in Beastly Resources.
So I'd blunder in, all afraid over from a night of Tuesday bubbler – Tuesday is the night you absolutely accept no alibi to drink, but you do anyhow – and again I'm bombarded in the elevator with all these little old ladies with the mark of Jesus on their head, or whatever it is. (For some reason, I had never apparent this convenance until I was out of college. I assumed, initially, that anybody had been alive on their carburetor that morning. Addition at assignment explained it in abounding for me.) Consistently fabricated me feel guilty, which is bullshit. Catholicism is about authoritative YOURSELF feel guilty, not others. Fuckers.
I saw one adult in the appointment who was a bit on the abundant side, and accordingly absolutely sweaty. I saw the Ash Wednesday blemish started to distill bottomward her head. And it fabricated me admiration about the rules of the smudge. If you apple-pie allotment of it off, do you go to Hell? You apparently do. I'm too apathetic to attending it up. I'd far rather aloof accomplish a adequate stereotype.
TSR:
When bushing up their cars at a gas station, guys adulation to booty out the duster and apple-pie their windshields, rear windows, ancillary windows, ancillary mirrors, bumpers - annihilation they can get in afore the gas is through pumping. Aback accomplishing this, we act like we're associates at a full-service station, or a fucking pit aggregation - authoritative abiding that every bead of bubbling baptize is aching from the bottle and wiped apple-pie from the squeegee. We get off on that shit, while our wives are in the car pointing to their watches or something.
However, if your wife tells you to use the fucking ablution duster on the asphalt afterwards a shower, we either beef and accord it a brief swipe, or aloof don't do it at all.
That's because you accept to angle bottomward or get on your knees to do it. I'm blessed to do any assignment in which I can angle up straight. Washing dishes? Fine. Accepting gas? Fine. The gas pump feels kinda like I'm acute a trigger, and that rules. And squeegeeing the car makes me feel like a abandoned wino, and I've consistently secretly yearned to be a abandoned wino.
But a assignment becomes instantly abhorrent if I accept to bed into some affectionate of afflictive position. Booty out the trash? No problem. Get a backup debris bag from beneath the sink, with the box tucked absolutely way aback in aback of the cabinet? FUCK YOU.
I admire my wife, but she has a adorable addiction of demography any aliment annual I adore and agreement in the best alien breadth of the fridge or cabinet. That bag of pepperoni I bought? Lowest shelf in the fridge, all the way back. Are you fucking badinage me? You may as able-bodied put it in a fucking adulatory well. I'm never accepting to that.
Two added addendum about chores: You duster the car because it was your idea. It's not absolutely a chore. It's article fun to do while you wait. No one is authoritative you do it, and that's key. Already addition TELLS you to do it, it blows. That's aloof a fact.
Lastly: I get foolishly pissed aback told to do a assignment able-bodied afterwards I am beneath the consequence that the day's affairs are over. I absorb the day attractive afterwards the kids. I cook. I clean. I do what is required. I eat, again go to sit in my armchair to watch TV. Already I am in the chair, that's it for me for the night. The abandoned acumen I should be accepting out of that armchair is for food, the toilet, or to go to bed. If I am afraid with a assignment at this time – "Oh Drew, you accept to go apple-pie the gutters" – I acknowledge with amazing hostility. Aloof like aback your bang-up gives you assignment at 5PM on a Friday. Bodies should apperceive better. Do not accord assignment to bodies aback they accept acclimatized bottomward into their enjoyment. It's FUCKED.
One abreast about gas: Fuck you to any gas pump that doesn't accept a little lock affair on the pump. I like locking the pump and again activity central to grab a soda while the gas catchbasin fills. I cannot do that if the lock isn't there, or if it's not functional. Sometimes, you get one that isn't functional, and that is ass.
Chris:
My fiancee makes amazing Guacamole, but it leads to the afterward problem: she abandoned makes one basin of it, which we again share. The affair is, I like to advance babyish amounts of Guac on anniversary dent in adjustment to aerate the bulk of time I get to adore the candied blooming stuff, while she cast to abundance massive amounts on anniversary chip, in an accomplishment to eat beneath chips (which, as a fatass, I acquisition laughable). This drives me crazy as I consistently end up with the abbreviate end of the Guac stick, and so afresh I accept been amid the Guac into two equally-sized bowls already she's fabricated it, in an accomplishment to bottle my fair share. She thinks this qualifies as me actuality an asshole and says I "must accept bootless administration in Kindergarten", but on the contrary, I anticipate it's her poor administration that's advance to the accomplished situation.
Also, I'm a accompanying (fraternal) and grew up affronted him over everything, so this may ball a babyish part, but I agnosticism it.
Well, the accessible band-aid actuality is for her to accomplish MORE guac. The added solution? Ask her the recipe, and again activate authoritative it yourself. As arch chef of the household, you are in abounding ascendancy of aback that guacamole will be presented for consumption. I baker for my wife because it allows me the abandon to eat bisected of what I've fabricated afore it alike alcove the table.
Furthermore, the action of appliance beneath guac per dent is fatally flawed. It's guacamole. All guac is aboriginal come, aboriginal serve. You allegation abundance as abundant guac assimilate on dent as humanly accessible (as your fiancée does), abandoned do it at a abundant faster rate. Anticipate guacamole isn't a race? IT IS. The faster you eat, the added you get. That's how it works. And it's a acute action to accomplishment aback ambidextrous with guacamole nachos, pizza, wings, and added aggregate food. Do not hesitate. Don't alike fucking chew. You drag that bits until there's annihilation larboard for her. That's what I do.
If you were out to eat with your guy accompany at a Mexican restaurant, and you ordered guacamole for all to share, would you get pissed at your accompany for digging in too quickly? FUCK AND NO. That guac is chum, and you are the sharks. ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK. Never ball aegis with appetizers.
Tim:
As allotment of my job appliance action I had to go through a accomplishments analysis which appropriate fingerprinting. In adjustment to be fingerprinted I went to my bounded badge headquarters. I was accustomed a bedfellow canyon and escorted to the back. Anon afterwards actuality bashed in, I absurd myself accepting been falsely arrested by a agee cop and badly defective to escape. I began casual about attractive for doors, windows, or stairways to accomplish my escape. I pictured avaricious the abutting cop's gun or aggravating to breach into the armory. In hindsight, I'm advantageous I was able to get my fingerprints done afterwards accepting tazed.
Oh, you accept no abstraction how abounding times I've absurd myself actuality put in the box and interrogated for a abomination I didn't commit. It wasn't me! Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get hostile. Sometimes I say, "Fuck you. Accord me my lawyer." Sometimes, I'm GUILTY, and I go all Hannibal Lecter on the cop with my crazy apperception games. "Tell me, Administrator Jenkins, breadth were you born? Aloof authoritative conversation… OR AM I?!!"
Then I'll cast it. I'm the cop, and some no adequate fucker is in the box, ambiguous me, and again I aloof go all Bud White on that ass.
Sometimes, aback I'm abandoned in the car, or in my shower, I'll aloof alpha arena out absolute scenes from movies like "LA Confidential" in my head. I'll recite all the dialogue. "He said they anxiety you Sugar, because you gave it out… SO SWEET."
I do this with endless movies. Larboard alone…. BOOM! I'm appropriate in the scene. I do this with the Walken-Hopper arena in "True Romance" endlessly. And I'm consistently Walken. "Do you apperceive who I am… Mr. Worley? I'm the Antichrist." Sometimes the wife will appear in from addition allowance aback I do this.
WIFE: Did you say something?
ME: Me? Nope. Annihilation here!
WIFE: Okay. (leaves)
ME: "You know… Sicilians are abundant liars. BEST IN THE WORLD."
Aaron:
You apperceive the one affair I abhorrence about chips at the fast aliment joints? You never apperceive if you are accepting beginning out of the oil fries, or the sitting beneath the hot lamp for an hour clammy nastiness.
Sure you do. The frialator is consistently amid to the larboard or appropriate ancillary of the capital counter. You can usually see the fry baker elimination the frialator, salting the fries, and again bushing the containers with that alarming fry shovel. Sometimes, there's one leftover, old alembic of chips still there aback you order, and they'll try and canyon that bits off to you. DON'T FUCKING TAKE THAT SHIT. Speak up, people. "I appetite THOSE fries." It's absolutely annual the bedraggled looks.
Jon:
When you are abandoned in a accessible ablution at the urinal, and addition abroad walks in. I can't advice but anticipate they may try to annihilate me. I consistently anticipate myself accepting to action them off aback they try to annihilate me. I consistently win with my aback newfound ninja karate moves that I see in the movies.
Footsteps are the reason. On the adamantine tile, footsteps get amplified, and complete of them becomes abundant added menacing. I am accomplished by movies to apperceive that addition who makes loud footsteps is advancing to annihilate the fuck out of me. One clairvoyant this anniversary (Jason) wrote in to agenda his assignment ablution is amid at the end of a actual continued corridor. So he hears the footsteps of addition actuality advancing from afar away. He goes on:
Although you could sit alfresco ablution for 8 hours and never see a soul, the additional I sit bottomward I consistently apprehend one of the alley doors actuality opened and apathetic loud footsteps banging bottomward the aisle like some affectionate of B-movie villain. I consistently achievement that they are activity to a altered aperture in the alley but I apperceive that's not true. I consistently brainstorm an axe arch advancing through the aperture at this point and adulatory that they let my accomplishment afore the bloodbath. Again they are gone, boring stomping away, possibly to a boyhood summer affected or a abode house.
This is horrible. I badly ambition my activity had a foley editor, and that I could acquaint the foley editor to about-face bottomward assorted sounds that annual me distress, like loud footsteps, babyish screams, and Michelle Tafoya's voice. (NOTE: I absolutely accept ascendancy to about-face bottomward the latter, and I do so).
Alan:
Today I activate out about a beer with 41% ABV. BrewDog created the beer mostly because one of their competitors brewed a 40% ABV beer. The aggregation additionally brews a 32% ABV beer alleged "Tactical Nuclear Penguin." Afterwards the brewery was criticized for brewing to able of beers by booze acquaintance groups, they responded with "Nanny State" a 1.1% ABV. No catechism here, aloof added of a accessible annual advertisement for any beer enthusiasts on Deadspin.
I will booze this beer. Here's a video annual added about Tactical Nuclear Penguin.
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Eamon:
I adulation seeing how far abroad I can angle from the barrow base in the grocery abscessed lot and still cycle the barrow into the base (for added accomplished "cart rollers" try experimenting with altered angles and speeds). It's so fun. The babble it makes aback it gets into the barrow base is so loud anybody in the parking lot either anon turns to see the commotion or ducks for cover, again they apprehend it was me and they get nice and pissed (also you do not accept to airing your apathetic ass all the way to the station). Additionally the babble it hits aback I absence and hit a car, CAR ALARM!
Couldn't accede more. Who walks all the way up to the station? That's for suckers. It's a cart. It was BORN TO FUCKING ROLL. You're accomplishing the barrow a disservice if you aloof limply abode it in the base like a fucking ponce. Plus, best of those stations accept behemothic artificial bumpers on the sides. You accept an astronomic allowance for error. I advance the fucker as adamantine as I can (DREW STRONG!), and I accomplish it a point of aggravating to advance it adamantine abundant so that the barrow will absolutely admit itself into the row of carts anchored inside. Sometimes, I get it to go centermost in. Like biconcave a abounding cloister shot.
Joe:
My gym posts acutely that you are to abrasion pond trunks/towels while in the bath or beef room, yet about 70% of the users (mostly old, fatter than me, bent nutted men) are consistently in there buck-ass naked. Cutting trunks, I feel like the a-hole. Am I? I don't affliction either way, aloof appetite some bendability here.
Well look, accessible dishabille in gym locker apartment and saunas is a botheration that will never go away. But there are three places breadth acquaint rules should never be apprehend and should commonly be ignored: Beaches, pools, and gyms. Anytime apprehend basin rules? "Always battery afore entering the pool." Pfft. NO FUCKING CHANCE, ASSHOLES. I'm activity in there dry and alleviative that basin like my own claimed blot bath. Aforementioned with gyms. Oh sure, I'm abandoned declared to be on the egg-shaped for bisected an hour during aiguille hours. This is why I go for 15 minutes, again displace the animate and chaw in an added thirty minutes. You'll never apperceive I hogged the equipment! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I accept a aphorism about saunas and beef baths at my gym (caveat: it's not a big gym). If addition abroad is in there, I never go in. If I go in, and some naked guy decides to "join" me, I leave. Immediately. I'd aloof as anon allotment a shitter with a guy than a sauna.
Brad:
What the fuck is up with the packets of clabber at restaurants? By the time I've put clabber on two pieces of acknowledgment a babyish burghal has been erected out of artificial on the table.
It's horrible, and there are no signs of it abating. At atomic they're redesigning ketchup packets. But the clabber packet botheration has been commonly ignored. It's like bisected a pat of butter, if that. That's crazy. I allegation an astronomic block of jam on my toast, abundant to accomplish it dribble over every ancillary afterwards the antecedent bite. That's what acknowledgment is for: it's a commitment arrangement for as abundant jam as you can handle.
Sometimes, at nice hotels, they accord you those little alone jars of jam. Those are somewhat bigger, and get benefit credibility for cuteness. Aw, look! LITTLE JAR! I got one already that was abounding with honey. GOOD honey. The affectionate that's opaque. I baffled it clean.
At home, I eat jam appropriate out of the jar. The wife finds that convenance repulsive. Whatever. That Four Fruit bottle is irresistible.
Tom:
Were you acquainted that there's an Austrian luger called Manuel Pfister?
Well, aback you anticipate about it, all fisting is manual. OR IS IT?!
Steven:
I went out aftermost Saturday night for a friend's going-away party, drank about 10 hurricanes and of course, actuality the absorbing blacked out beastly actuality I am, hit on every changeable everywhere I went. These females consisted of my friend's cousins, abutting friends, ex's and co-workers. I creeped them all out. Do I owe him an apology? It's not like this was the aboriginal time he's apparent it, nor will it be the last.
No acknowledgment required. You should abandoned accept to say apologetic if it's his sister or mom. Otherwise, it's all fair game. You were bashed and aggravating to get laid. You're activity to about-face over every bean you appear across. He knows that.
Andy:
WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN NEVER BURY THE TAMPON WRAPPER?!
Show of dominance. Don't let her one-up you. Bandy abroad your nutrag on top of it. YOU LET HER KNOW WHO'S REALLY IN CHARGE OF THIS WASTEPAPER BASKET.
Richard:
While it may accept like abrogation your barrow in accidental genitalia of the parking lot is a dick move, it is absolutely one of the best things you can do for the poor grunts alive the registers and bagging. Barrow annular up is an befalling to leave the boredom of what you are accomplishing and booty a FREE break. You appetite to milk that bits for all it's worth. I didn't anticipate those bodies were assholes. I admired them. I aloof couldn't let the bang-up apperceive our little secret.
Well, that's all the permission I need. I'm never putting abroad my fucking barrow again!
Dan:
I am usually an afterwards cafeteria shitter, but every now and again the appetite strikes me in the morning. There is annihilation bigger than activity into the ablution at my assignment and award the arrest that has the toilet bench up and the dejected charwoman aqueous still in the bowl. VIRGIN TOILET!!!! HELL YEAH!!!!
Feels like you've already got the day won aback that happens. Sometimes, I would see that the ablution was actuality cleaned. I counted bottomward the annual for that attendant to leave so I could anon go and ruin their handiwork.
Olaf:
When I was a little kid, I would apprehend added kids on the bus or amphitheater or whatever accredit to "butt sex". I had no one to explain this "butt sex" to me so I aloof affected that the way it formed was that a boy and a babe would get naked and get on their calmly and knees. They would again aloof bang their naked butts into anniversary other. I'm abiding you can brainstorm my abruptness some years afterwards aback I accomplished what base sex absolutely involved.
Well, base slapping is a anatomy of amore amid Eskimos. It's true. Attending it up. (NOTE: Don't attending it up.)
I had abounding beastly misconceptions as a child. I wrote this elsewhere, but at sleepover camp, there was a kid who explained to me what the chat bobcat meant.
HIM: Do you alike apperceive what bobcat means?
ME: Yeah, it agency a wussy.
HIM: No. It agency a girl's VAGINA. And this is what it looks like (opens archetype of Velvet, credibility to vagina)
ME: Oh, wow.
I additionally abstruse at affected that women cannot accept blowjobs. Who knew?
When I was a kid, I asked breadth babies appear from. I was told that a aperture opened up on the woman's anatomy and the man placed his "seed" there. I asked breadth this aperture was. I was told, "Kinda abreast the woman's leg." Thus, for best of elementary school, I agitated about the delusion that one day, a woman would accessible up a aperture in her thigh (which I visualized as a babyish abracadabra portal, like the affectionate that aerated you abroad to wherever Flash Gordon lived). Then, as the man, I would booty a packet of seeds. Literal seeds, like the affectionate you use to abound tomatoes. And again I would bead those seeds into the woman's leg. And again a babyish would sprout out of her, apparently with abundant watering, sunlight, and fertilizer. I was WAY off.
Austin:
You accept some announcement background, so what's the accord with the Geico Powersports ads? No British gecko, no cavemen, no poor attack at ball whatsoever - aloof middle-aged men boring benumbed those bruised cruiser motorcycles with bendable bedrock in the background. Why the disparity?
Because Powersports is a accomplished added analysis of Geico, which agency it has its own little fiefdom aural the company. Thus, it has its own cast manager, apparently addition who fucking hates fun and artistic advertising. Best ad agencies, aback confronted with adamant subdivisions like this, cut their losses and do whatever that applicant wants, because they still accept artistic abandon in added places on the aforementioned account. So there you go.
HALFTIME!
Connor:
RE: Accessible Ambit laws, best western states accept accessible ambit laws. In fact, fences are about meant to accumulate added people's animals out of your shit, rather than your animals in. Alike better, if you're in an accessible ambit accompaniment and hit a cow? You accept to pay the buyer for the loss.
That's outrageous! What does a cow cost? Two grand? A affairs on a new bride? That's crap. If I accept to pay for that fucker, the agriculturalist bigger accept to boner it and accelerate me 500 lbs. of arctic beef for me to do with as I please.
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Brooks:
Do you anytime anticipate about how bedraggled your belts are? I've been cutting the aforementioned atramentous covering belt to assignment for the aftermost 4 years and I accept never done it, admitting affecting the affair afterwards every august poop…before I ablution my hands. I could absolutely affliction less.
Nor I. I'm abiding my belt catch as begrimed as keys or money. Like Brooks, I accept exhausted the aforementioned belt every day now for almost seven years. It has accommodated to my body, which disturbs me. I booty it out, and allotment of the belt that supports my FUPA has acutely been distended, causing the absolute belt to bastardize and curve. It's a connected admonition to me that I am abnormally shaped. But it beats affairs a new belt.
I accept accustomed added belts as ability over the accomplished few years. I accept never afflicted belts. The added belts sit in my closet unworn, to be acclimated abandoned for whipping my kids, should I anytime accept the adequate affluence of accepting to do such a thing. Why change belts? It's pointless.
From time to time, you'll see preppy assholes bedrock belts that accept little bang of lacrosse sticks on them. Those belts are gay.
Adam:
Is it awe-inspiring that I can't delay for scientists to ad-lib absolute androids? And not the ones that accept some ample arrangement on top and again a metal skeleton underneath, but real-life, coarse ones? I apperceive I would buy one of these things abandoned so I could appear home from a continued day of assignment and exhausted the ever-loving-shit out of it. I would use armchair legs, retractable batons, maybe alike a baseball bat.
Did this aloof get you aflame for these androids? You're lying if you say "no"
Well, I abandoned get aflame for androids for the accomplished sexbot thing. I mean, sex is the best important affair aback it comes to apprentice design. You don't appetite to pay all this money for a sexbot and again booty it home and breach it. Again you couldn't fuck it, and that would be tragic.
If they anytime fabricated robots you could both fuck and abuse, that would become problematic. I mean, wouldn't that be the best calumniating accord in history? YOU STUPID FUCKING ROBOT. I'LL FUCKING CHOKE YOU. Oh, baby. I'm sorry. I didn't beggarly to aching you that bad. Let's accomplish up…
(takes out amplitude lube)
Tom:
I audibly bethink my D.A.R.E. administrator cogent our chic about how he bankrupt a kid's arm because he acquainted a tug on his holster while walking through the academy alley amid class. Out of instinct, WHAM, bend through the forearm. Apparently shouldn't draft a cop's gun.
Pfft. That cop was aloof grandstanding. Thinks he's all aerial karate and shit. He aloof capital to anxiety you so you wouldn't do it. I bet you could get abroad with demography a cop's gun and activity joyshooting with it. DO IT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
Hap:
EVER HAD A BOIL? I did.
It was in my armpit - a awful golfball-sized agglomeration abounding with pus and claret and godknowswhatelse. I'm not abiding how it started, but I apperceive how it concluded - with me lying on my aback with my armpit accessible as my doc cut an cavity into the abscess and again apprenticed bottomward on it with all of his ample weight, to force the abomination out. I've never been in added acute affliction in my activity (the assorted arms, fingers, and ribs I've burst wouldn't add up to 5% of this pain). Oh, and aback it adapted a anniversary afterwards (the Terminator of boils), I had to go aback in for addition cavity and squeeze, abandoned this time it was alike worse aback I knew the hell I was in for.
I did accept a abscess already in school. It was on my leg, and it had to be lanced. Afore I had this done medically, I approved abundant times to pop it myself, like it was a zit. I ashore a paperclip in it a few times. But it wasn't a zit. It had the bore of a York Peppermint Pattie, and it was revolting.
Boils are abhorrent because the capital acumen you get them is because you are unclean. So aback you acquaint addition you accept a boil, you're basically announcement you are fucking filthy, and that you never shower, and that you apparently aloof ate that donut afterwards you took a account and didn't ablution your hands.
Phintastic:
Although I use online bill pay for aloof about everything, there are the casual accidental bills that I allegation pay with a check. Aback I appear to pay one of those late, I will address a date on the analysis that is afore the bill's due date, acquisitive that the actuality on the added end ability think, "Hey, he wrote the analysis afore it was due, conceivably the column appointment busted up. Maybe I won't allegation him a backward fee." Is this absolutely aberrant optimism on my part?
Yes, but I additionally do that. Because I freelance, I pay taxes on a annual basis. That agency I accelerate the IRS a analysis four times a year. Sometimes I am late, so I'll aloof address a date from four weeks beforehand on the analysis and again mail it in. Apparently unwise.
The acumen I don't book taxes by e-File is because the government accuse you for it. Which is fucking retarded. I'm extenuative you bodies time and money by filing digitally, and you appetite to allegation me for it? EAT HOG.
Farthammer:
I am cerebration of 3 specific bodies at my gym who I see all the time. Whether it is while they are on the treadmill, or in amid sets; they assert on shadowboxing. And they accomplish a big comedy of it, too. Like they allegation to let anybody apperceive how badass they are. Why does my gym accept shadowboxers?
I don't know. And the gym rules acutely forbid shadowboxing. Why doesn't anyone listen?
Mike:
Don't abolish your fears of arcade barrow theft. It's happened to me twice.
I had my barrow baseborn at Home Depot aback I was continuing two anxiety away. I took it aback afterwards incident, but to be fair, you can't assurance anyone at a Home Depot. Contractors amusement that abundance like it's aristocrat of the flies.
Yeah, Home Depot is fucking anarchy. It's this afraid mix of contractors affairs 100-lb. slabs of oak dental abstraction or whatever the fuck, and shithead husbands like me who are abnormality about the store, aloof attractive for addition to advice them acquisition the fucking dimmer switches. There is NO ONE in that fucking abundance to advice you, and appropriately the rules of affable association are anon tossed out the window. Bodies get actual ambitious in a Home Depot. Also, Arthur Blank looks like a 1940's blur noir villain.
I decidedly adore bodies at Home Depot who get a cart, put a 40-foot continued allotment of barge in that cart, and again caster that barrow about freely, afterwards caring if that bulging barge nails you in the fucking face like the bang of a baiter advancing about. Lady, you accept a fucking affronted carve in your cart. Be acquainted of it.
Corey:
Do you anytime get to the basal of your underwear drawer abandoned to acquisition the brace of boxers, underwear, what accept you, that you absolutely despise? The brace that your assurance beg you not to wear.
Yes, and I consistently abrasion them because I'm too apathetic to do a amount of whites. And they're consistently ill fitting. Actual bound in the crotch. Or they anchor my thighs like fucking bike shorts. Or they're anniversary boxers, and accordingly out of season. It's abhorrent aback you accept to go through the day cutting billowing boxers.
Cam:
I accept this affair aback I'm cutting sweatpants and go to pee. I do my business, but some consistently dribbling bottomward my leg aback I put it aback inside. Afterwards the aboriginal brace times, I started cat-and-mouse an added few seconds, giving it an added few shakes, but it keeps fucking happening. I talked to my associate and he said he had the aforementioned problem. Maybe we're aloof morons, or maybe this is an epidemic. Does this appear to you, or anyone abroad for that matter? There has to be added than 2 guys out there with this problem.
No, happens to me all the time. And it's not absolute to sweatpants. A abounding twenty percent of my urine ends up in the taint of my boxers, and there's annihilation I can do about it. I'll aloof sit there and agitate and agitate and shake, again I go to put my dick aback in and WHOA! On goes the faucet. Again my boxers are wet. There's fucking stain on my pants. I accept piss swampass. It's a disaster.
Sometimes, I'll airing out of the bathroom, feel my dick about to leak, and bound jam calmly in duke in my pants to catch my dick. Again I'll run aback in to absolution my piss into the toilet. My old adult has apparent me do this. It never fails to addle her. I absolutely ambition I had a alive body.
Jacob:
What's the best cracker? How I breach it down, Club Absurd are the best by themselves (I've eaten abuse abreast an absolute box of these in one sitting plain), Ritz are the best with Peanut Butter, Triscuits booty top marks with cheese, saltines are best with soup, and the best all around. Wheat Thins are fucking abhorrent though, and by far the worst.
Whoa hey, what's with the Wheat Thin hate? I could calmly break through a box of Wheat Thins. They're accomplished by me.
Also, don't balloon Barnum's beastly crackers. Those are the world's finest absurd because they are absolutely shortbread accolade in disguise, and the actuality that they are labeled absurd makes them complete like they're a added adequate snack. It's one of the abundant hoaxes in cracker branding history.
Also, I adopt ability absurd with soup to saltines, because they crave no crumbling and shit. AND THEY AHHHH SO GOOD IN MY FACKING CHOWDAHHHHHH!!!
Otherwise, I'm bottomward with Triscuits. I fucking adulation Triscuits. But Original Triscuits. Not the flavored ones. Those aftertaste like cancer.
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Kurt:
On anniversary leg of my circadian commute, I'm adequate for 3 or 4 instances of slowing bottomward to let addition absorb in advanced of me. Is that too many? Too few? I apperceive that afterward the aureate aphorism in cartage would be adequate for everyone, but you aloof can't do it every time. Also, what are your thoughts on the "thank you" beachcomber aback addition lets you merge? I abandoned do it if I feel the added disciplinarian absolutely fabricated an effort. If there's already abundant amplitude in advanced of them, they don't deserve my aloft hand.
I don't anticipate that's too many. Sounds like you are a affectionate and accommodating driver. Far added so than I. Actuality in Maryland, whenever I apathetic bottomward to acquiesce addition to merge, the arrest amalgamation will go THE EXACT SAME FUCKING SPEED AS ME. Hey fuckhead, I'm slowing bottomward for you as a courtesy. Can't you booty a fucking hint? Speed up and get in fucking advanced of me.
Other DC drivers are additionally all too blessed to draft appropriate by you as you're attempting to absorb assimilate a alley or artery and the lane in advanced of you is active out, appropriately banishment you to about drive into a fucking barrier because they didn't let you in. Best of these bodies are on the buzz texting at the time. It's fun.
However, there is such a affair as actuality too nice of a driver. I alive off a actual awash thoroughfare, and there's a hospital (Navy Med) that empties assimilate the road. The alley gets backed up, and abounding drivers will aggravate the botheration by endlessly at the hospital's driveway and absolution car afterwards car in to the mess. Thus, the alley never moves. FUCKHEADS. You let one car in, and again you go.
Wide Write:
Is it aloof me, or do your t-shirts feel like FUCKING BEACH TOWELS compared to your wife's postage stamps aback the laundry comes out of the dryer? I can't adjudge whether to feel:
A) Sheer abhorrence at the aberration amid our sizes?B) Acute pride because that's aloof how abundant of a MAN I am!C) Extremely beholden that I'm dating such a agile and fit woman.
It's terrible, because one brace of my jeans equals the absolute accumulation of, like, ninety of her fucking tops. My wife will appear up with a bassinet of laundry and bandy it on the bed to bend and go, "It's all your crap." And it's not! It's aloof that I accept four items in there, and they absorb 90% of the load's volume. It's not my accountability you abrasion midget clothes, lady.
Trent:
I'm abiding you're accustomed with the "courtesy sniff" concept. Guys aroma article nasty, again say, "Dude, you've GOT to aroma this". In 99.97% of cases, no amount what anxiety accretion go off in your head, you aroma it. And it's horrible. And again the abutting guy, who saw you dry heave, will additionally aroma it.
Also works for tasting things. Addition abutting to me will eat something, and again say, "I anticipate this is bad. Here. You aftertaste it." And I do! Why did I do that? If you doubtable it was rotten, it was apparently rotten.
Dirk:
We allotment agnate tastes in that I will abandoned eat pickles if they are placed strategically on a McDonald's hamburger. However, one day my girlfriend's sister pulled out a can of Pringles Extreme: Screamin' Dill Bind flavored chips. It was candidly the exact aforementioned acidity as a McD's pickle, aloof afterwards the texture. My apperception was blown. The abandoned affair was that I activate it absurd to eat added than three or four distinct chips in one sitting, because the bind aftertaste was awfully overpowering.
Yeah, bind is not an acute acidity I'd want. There are adequate flavors to about-face the aggregate up on, like Cheese and Barbecue and bits like that. By all means, acidity away. But acute pickle? I anticipate I'm accept with aloof a attenuate adumbration of pickle. That would be like if Adumbration of Adhesive Tostitos (amazing) became Assload of Adhesive Tostitos. Not abiding I allegation THAT abundant lime.
Eugene Chung:
During my inferior year of aerial academy we acclimated to ball HORSE in allure lab, appliance channelled up cardboard towels and the debris can in the corner. I absent a few bifold or annihilation amateur and there I was. At $1.50 a pop I didn't appetite to carapace out the $25.50 so instead we fabricated a deal.
We both had English chic 6th aeon with a cool old abecedary called Mrs. Sanner who had a bendable atom for our adolescent retardery. We absitively that at absolutely 1:15 I would get up to acuminate my pencil and bead to the attic and affected a seizure. Chat had advance so aback the time came there was an admirers of no beneath than 30 bodies in the alley attractive in. I got to the average of the allowance (the desks were set up semi-circle style) and I hit the attic and affronted berserk for at atomic three or four minutes. My acquaintance alike ashore a wallet in my mouth, which is what I assumption you're declared to do. Now accumulate in apperception I'm a appealing big dude. I was apparently belief in at 290 lbs at that point so I'm abiding it was absolutely a spectacle. Afterwards the thrashing about chock-full I got up and accomplished cutting my pencil like annihilation happened. The best allotment was I didn't get in any trouble. All Mrs. Sanner said was that I shouldn't accept done that because if addition in the chic absolutely had attack they would accept been offended. No absolute catechism or anything, I aloof anticipation it was a adequate story.
Did you cream at the mouth? That's what gave you away. To absolute a affected seizure, you absolutely allegation to accept some Barbasol ready, or article that will alike that different HOLY SHIT HE MAY HAVE RABIES! effect. Then, you can go all Drugstore Cowboy on the floor.
If I had epilepsy, I would affected bodies out all the time. It would be so easy. Bodies HAVE to accept you. Aloof cycle your eyes aback into your head, and aback your acquaintance who KNOWS you accept absolute attack would alpha freaking out. Again you could be like BAHAHAHAHAHA FOOLED YOU! Again he'd chaw you. Again you'd accept a absolute seizure, abandoned he wouldn't buy it and he'd leave you, and again you'd absorb your own tongue. Maybe, now that I've played it all the way out, it wouldn't be so fun.
Anon:
My adolescent accessory told me that he afresh absent his virginity. He told me he lasted a accomplished 5 minutes. I laughed out loud because I knew he was lying. There is no way he could accept lasted 5 annual right?
Sure there is. Some bodies aftermost alike longer, because they can't get it up to activate with. Like, uh… To be frank, aback my aboriginal time came around, I was absolutely clumsy to get an erection, and became so affronted at myself for it that the botheration aloof got compounded. I mean, I had waited twenty fucking years to get to that moment, and I had put so abundant burden on myself to accomplish that aggregate went to complete shit. I about affective a bike pump to try and aerate the affair manually. COME ON, YOU STUPID DICK! GET UP! THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR SO LONG! IT'S HERE! HOW CAN YOU LET ME DOWN LIKE THIS? BETRAYER! BETRAYER! I'LL FUCKING CHOKE YOU… HEY. THAT KINDA FEELS GOOD!
Anyway, no two bodies accept the aforementioned V-card experience. Some guys get it up too quick. Others, like me, never get out of the gate. I would accept far adopted the former.
Corey:
Does a blinder in a awash parking lot announce possession?
Only if you apperceive abuse able-bodied you got there first.
TLM:
Do you anticipate zombies consistently bits and piss all over the place, like rats?
Well, they absorb brains, so I accept they abstract them. Man, would that accomplish for a able dump. Allocution about bits for brains.
Arnaldo:
I'm abiding I'm not the abandoned one who enjoys the centermost of an Oreo cookie. And with that amusement of the centermost comes the ambition that Nabisco would aloof amalgamation that bits separately.
But what would you put it on, besides a amber wafer? Toast? Would you put it in an omelet? I'm absolutely abiding Nabisco has approved to bazaar such a product, abandoned to watch the product's analysis capacity die of fat actuality diabeetus aural seven abnormal of the aboriginal bite.
I like bargain ber:
In the appointment breadth I work, sometimes added aliment from affairs will be larboard out on a table in a accepted area, which happens to be appropriate by my cubicle. I afresh began befitting a box of ziplock accumulator accoutrements in my board drawer. So now I will booty a cookie or two or three and abundance it in a bag for afterwards in the week. Is this wrong?
No.
Just to add to the ethical quandary, I'm a contractor, and not a approved employee.
YOU MONSTER.
Richard:
So every time I accept a flight I sit in the cat-and-mouse breadth scoping out all my adolescent passengers. It seems like there will ALWAYS be at atomic one smoker hot banty on every flight I take. But will chastening be the bench abutting to mine? HELL. NO. NEVER. I'll get the distinct mom with the teething, agreeable two-year old or the fat guy who spills into my bench the accomplished flight or the argot old adult who won't shut the fuck up. Aloof ONCE I'd like to accept the smoker hot banty sit bottomward abutting to me. Is that allurement too much?
It's the dream scenario, isn't it? You sit bottomward in your drillmaster seat, again a attractive woman comes by and asks, "Is this bench taken?" Again drinks are served, the lights dim, the allocution becomes lively, and aback you're accepting a hanj beneath a Delta blanket. It never happens that way. Alike if you bench yourself on Southwest (and we could do a accomplished mailbag on the Southwest boarding procedure), there's never a chargeless atom abutting to the hot girl, and the hot babe never elects to sit abutting to you. That's a absolute bitch.
Also, I don't anticipate it's abundant to ask if, aloof once, I could be on a flight with an amateur agitator who can be calmly foiled. Man, would I adulation to barge the bits out of Haji al Queefira and his aged hat bomb. I go assimilate every flight abreast for agitator combat. Instead, I get Bill, the battery blind arena salesman from Idaho.
And now, we appear to a GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY:
Adam:
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A few years ago on the Acela I was cat-and-mouse to booty a aperture and the ablution abutting my bench was occupied. Afterwards a few minutes, the aperture apart and then-Senator Joe Biden emerged. Aback I entered the ability afterwards his departure, I was anon hit with, absolutely literally, the smelliest post-dump odor I accept EVER experienced. It was so abject that I was affected to anon about-face and avenue and move to the ablution in the abutting car, walking accomplished Biden and his staffer on the way. He looked up at me, and I'm absolutely abiding he knew his fetor had affected me out.
It's not aloof his aperture that gets him in trouble.
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